family

Childless or Child-free?

Husband and I had an interesting conversation the other day that led us into a bit of a debate that ultimately left me with an itching, goading, thought-provoking question on my mind….

Are parents more capable of effecting change in the world via their parenting than those who do not have children?

Is one doomed to not affect as much change in the world as they could have, had they had children?

I was telling dear husband about this article the other day [in which the author argues for people to stop talking about appearance when approaching her daughter, as well as all people’s daughters] and in the ensuing discussion/debate about it, he began to postulate that one would effect more change via writing an article directed at parents about parenting, rather than writing a prescriptive article to all people everywhere about how they should, or should not, treat children they meet in day-to-day life. In his opinion, a more effective article would be one in which the author addresses parents about how to raise their own children (& henceforth, how their child will be), rather than trying to change how all other members of society think, act, etc.

This immediately caused within my brain a line of logic to spring forth that suggested that one would generally be able to effect more change in the world via their act of child-raising than would otherwise be possible if one didn’t have kids. Perhaps, as husband suggested (though he was really not suggesting this at all), the most effective mode of change in the world is found in parenting itself. Whereas I, as a writer, am merely addressing all members of society about society’s issues, perhaps to no avail at all. At least kids kind of have to listen to their parents, right? (Just kidding—even those of us without kids know—they’re totally not listening to you!) However, it is a fact that no single person, or medium, will influence them [children] more than their parents. Ipso facto, as my crazy brain was thinking, parenting is the ultimate way to potentially effect change in society (via raising that new little member of society—your child).

Now, I know that this is not at all what my beloved partner was actually saying. He was just speaking in terms of what kind of article would be most effective. But I couldn’t help but continue pondering the difference… Moms v. Non-moms, Parents v. DINKS, The Child-bearing v. The Child…less? (is it “Childless” or “Child-free”?)

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Anyone that knows me (or has followed this blog, at least) knows that I have long-held the belief that raising a child can be one of the most profoundly feminist acts of one’s life. Yet I’m not doing it. And I’m not necessarily “planning” on it either. Am I childless, or child-free? The latter term insinuates freedom, while the former, lack and loss. Which do other women in a position similar to myself refer to themselves as? (i.e. over the age of 30, married, and with multiple “furkids,” but no human ones)

And is there such a chasm of difference between the moms and non-moms? Once again, many other women in my “situation” are most likely familiar with such oft-heard phrases as, “Well, you don’t have kids, so…,” or “It’s a mom thing,” or my favorite,  ”When you have kids you’ll understand,” which implicitly states that I’m just generally expected to procreate, not to mention it also infers that unless I do have kids, I will never, ever, understand…

I think Caitlin Moran says it best in her book, How To Be A Woman, when she says:

“Men and women alike have convinced themselves of a dragging belief: that somehow women are incomplete without children. Not the simple biological “fact” that all living things are supposed to reproduce, and that your legacy on earth is the continuation of your DNA—but something more personal, insidious, and demeaning. As if a woman somehow remains a child herself until she has her own children—that she can only achieve “elder” status by dint of having produced someone younger. That there are lessons that motherhood can teach you that simply can’t be replicated elsewhere—and every other attempt at this wisdom and self-realization is a poor and shoddy second…

But I don’t think there’s a single lesson that motherhood has to offer that couldn’t be learned elsewhere.”

While I want to ask why it is that all people everywhere seem so interested in whether or not a woman plans on procreating (and let’s face it- this is a truly personal, serious decision)— coworkers, friends,  family, some who may be no more than a casual acquaintance won’t bat an eyelash at asking you, dear female reader, whether or not you plan on reproducing —I already know the answer. Reproduction is more than just one’s personal experience—it’s social reproduction. It’s about population control. It’s about environmentalism. It’s about your tax bracket. It’s about what kind of parent you will be, and what kind of child you have. It’s about sex, it’s about birth control, and it’s about childbirth. It’s about that highly politicized, most basic element of society, the family. Yes, it’s personal, but it is also political. For just one example of this, see here.

In spite of this, however, to borrow from writer Suzanne Moore, “having or not not having children should not define or divide women.” We are all women, nonetheless. We are all human beings nonetheless, and we are all ‘precarious’ in some way, living in this society and this world, dependent upon one another. No man, woman, or child exists in a vacuum exempt from one another.

Suzanne Moore also stated the following in her recent Guardian article:

“I fear that if we put all our eggs in the basket of motherhood, we are bound for disappointment. We must fully appreciate that those without kids subsidise those of us with them and contribute in myriad ways.”

“Some women without children need to “heal”. Some don’t. Some with children feel as existentially lonely as those without. Children are no guarantee of care in old age, or even company.”

“Having kids gives meaning to lives, but this is not the only way to have a meaningful and wonderful life…  If it takes a village to a raise a child then it is worth saying that those who reproduce and those who don’t do not live in separate villages. We are, in fact, next-door neighbors.”

If It Wasn’t For You

My Sister & I

My Sister (the blonde) & Me (in the bib)

Today is my sister’s birthday. I can’t believe I’ve been lucky enough to have a sister like her for almost 31 years now. Every year on her birthday I can’t help but reflect— selfish as it may be— on how different my life would have been without her.

I’ve always held my mom as the most important, and most pivotal, person in my life (after all, she is (a) my mom & (b) she adopted me), but my sister is a very close second.

Hence, why I’ve always said, “I don’t know how other girls and women function in life without a sister.” For one, I truly don’t know, as in, I cannot even begin to possibly fathom such an experience because I have, in fact, grown up with a sister; But secondly, I say this because in a world rife with sexism, in which the majority of every female life is fraught with eating disorders, sexual assault, criticism for either being too “ugly” or too “pretty”, teen pregnancy, and other discernibly gendered problems, well… having a sister may not save you from any one of these particular issues, nor may it make any such experience easier, but… having a sister can give you the greatest, most understanding companion a girl could ever dream of having while trudging on through this world. Also, she may potentially be the one and only person who will understand your tears of fanaticism when you, at age 8, see Paula Abdul in person, shopping at the same mall as you.

If it wasn’t for my sister, I wouldn’t have much of the bubbly sense of humor that I have today. If it wasn’t for my sister, I wouldn’t have had any sex education during my teens, like… at all.

If it wasn’t for my sister, I would have probably felt completely alone from age 12-17, as opposed to just mostly/semi-alone. If it wasn’t for my sister, I would have never done as many open mic nights as I did when I was younger, singing and playing the guitar in front of complete strangers, with her singing right beside me.

If it wasn’t for my sister, I may have never learned the first thing about empathy & compassion until much too late in life. If it wasn’t for my sister, I would have never learned at such a young age what true beauty is.

If it wasn’t for my sister, I wouldn’t have made such a great manager throughout my retail career (she trained me in my first supervisor position & her work ethic really stuck with me.)

If it wasn’t for my sister, I would have never had some of the greatest experiences/best days/best nights of my life (I’m already thinking of about five of em right off the bat… remember that first house party you took me to when I was 15? where I got drunk off screwdrivers while watching “Absolutely Fabulous!” with your friends..?)

FACT: One of the highlights of 2012 for me was not only flying out to Arizona for a whole 24 hours in order to celebrate my dad’s 70th birthday with him (& in the midst of my first semester of law school, I might add), but helping clean up after his party with my sister, all the while both of us singing along to one of the greatest albums of all time: Janet Jackson’s Rhythm Nation.

My sister may be tall, with dirty blonde hair and green eyes, while I’m petite with dark hair and dark eyes, but man are we sisters. Our physical disparities may belie our relation, but our personalities most definitely do not. Thanks to my sister for being a best friend, an educator, a second mom while ours was doing the single mom thing, and for always having such a great sense of humor. Also, I didn’t send you a card, so I hope this’ll do.

HBD BIG SIS!